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Part 3 - Searching for
Hapiness - Paradise Lost

Ahna (We); Camelot; To the Walls; Atmanja; Sunett Sperimentali (Experimental Sonnet); Vicious-Circle-Samsara-Waking up; Nataraja; lil Malta (to Malta); Ritual - Sketches; Sketches for a song to Kurt Cobain; Pizza and Ganni; haiku; Walking on the Waves

See an introduction - See some notes about the poems & pics - Skip off to the poems

Now I realise that Paradise has been lost, that the hapiness of Eden has irrecoverably perished through experience. I join the eternal human search for Hapiness. This period is marked by very strong poems, which will be even stronger in Part 4 and even verge on the Dadaist.

The Search for Hapiness takes me to search the meaning of love, life, death, sadness, suffering - the Search for hapiness is the Search for the Self, the eternal human longing to re-connect to the Source, to cross the Abyss and join everything that seems to conflict into the original Harmony, the vibration of Love. Now that's some bluff, isn't it? Go read the poems. If you don't get a heck out of these wordy things, you may want to see some very short notes about what they could mean, though I don't consider my interpretations of my own poems final.

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Ahna c-cwiec li nibqghu nhobbu,
Ahna c-cwiec li ma nafux inqisu,
Ahna c-cwiec li naghtu kollox,
Ahna c-cwiec li nibqghu b'xejn.


We are the fools who keep on loving,
We are the fools who don't consider,
We are the fools who give everything,
We are the fools who end up with nothing.

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Thus Endeth Camelot...

All the Knights found their Ladies.
All the Ladies found their Knights.
No more fiery adventures.
The table has broken down.
Launcelot is exiled.
Arthur is being cremated.
Guinevere is a nun now.

Dust is gathering on the Round Table...
Only two words resound in the empty chambers.


Thus endeth Camelot.

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To the Walls

I live.

Under the darkness,
the moisture, the dust
and the gravel and
the smell of piss,
I live.

I slither and move
and turn and coil.
These are my roots,
I cannot deny them.

In the narrow streets,
on the moss rearing walls,
I see my name written
In this darkness and
this rubble are my roots.
And I cannot deny them.

I live here.
The walls silently meet the sea.
The waves silently meet the shore.

1 Underground tunnels.
Ghastly sounds echo throughout -
I have my roots there.

2 Dark and fearful these
Secret paths are - I shiver -
I remember now.

3 I found my roots deep
rooted in the walls - I see
the light at the end.

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Fuq ix-xtut t' Atman
Wahdi nilghab bir-ramel -
Hadd izjed hlief jien.

Dejjem kont wahdi,
U wahdi ha nibqa' -
Is-sema blu.

Il-bozoz tal-kristall jixeghlu
u jtaffu d-dlam
u jzidu l-kesha.

In-nar ma jithallatx mal-bahar,
u lanqas mar-ramel u anqas mas-swar....
Izda meta tigi fjamma...

(Ghaliex gej id-dmugh?)

It-tnabar idoqqu
"Yeha Noha"
u jghajtu
u jizfnu
u jiskru
u jixhru

U jien ghadni wahdi.


On the shores of Atman
Alone I play with the sand -
Nobody else except me.

I have always been alone,
And I'm going to remain alone -
The sky is blue.

The crystal bulbs light
and lessen the darkness
and increase the cold.

The fire doesn't mix with the sea,
nor with the sand and neither with the walls....
But when a flame comes...

(Why am I crying?)

The drums play
"Yeha Noha"
and they scream
and they dance
and they get drunk
and they celebrate

And I'm still alone.

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Sunett Sperimentali

Ejja, kont nghidlek, ejja, x'qed nistennew?
Ejja mmorru nbiddlu d-dinja. Hekk kont nghid.
Kont ghadni ma tantx naf, ma kontx naf tassew.
Imma issa l-kuluri jintfew rajt.

Pruvajt lill-ohrajn infejjaq hawn gew.
Go ruhi fittixt id-dinja. Pruvajt
Minn ruhi nnissel xi warda. Jintfew
id-dwal li mexxewni bil-lejl. Hawn hajt

Li jifridni mill-ohrajn. Izda int....
Int taf thoss l-irtubija wara z-zonqor.
Habbejtni, habbejtek, flimkien fuq cint

Li jaqsam bejn ruhi u ruhhom. Jien...
Jien m'ghadnix dak li kont. Il-bahar joqtor
dmugh mifrud. Ix-xabla ser ittemm it-tmiem.

Experimental Sonnet

Come, I used to tell you, come, why are we waiting?
Let's go and change the world. That's what I used to say.
I didn't know much then, I didn't know at all.
But now I saw the colours fading.

I tried to heal the others in here.
In my soul I searched the world. I tried
to grow a rose from my soul. The lights
that guided me at night go off. There's a wall

That seperates me from the others. But you...
You know how to feel softness behind the rock.
I loved you, you loved me, together on a low wall

Which divides between myself and the others. I...
I am not what I was. The sea drops
into seperated tears. The sword will end the end.

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Vicious Circle/Samsara/Waking up

Drawing circles in the sky
won't get you anywhere.
Once you think you have defeated the serpent
you discover that he is the Ouroboros,
tail in mouth, circling the earth.

The zodiac is a vicious circle
of insomnia.
Unsequential spectrum - no beginning without end.

Turning stars take the same course,
every day.
Things fall due to gravity.
The same way.
Every day.

And people act the same way

Samsara's voice is heard:
"Totus Mundus..."
I hear her grasp the knife but
She is still covered by the red curtain.

Samsara, come out,
red robed to cut the circle,
to divide the Ouroboros

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Inti kont li f'cirku tan-nar 
   hloqt id-dinja. 
Inti kont li b'idejk il-mudras 
   eterni ghajjatt l-ghajta 
   li l-hajja taghna m'hi xejn 
   hlief id-diwi taghha. 
Inti, li f'cirku tan-nar ha teqred 
   dak li inti hloqt 
   ghax minghajr il-qirda m'hemmx holqien 
   li ma jitfattarx, 
   la hajja li ma titnawwarx... 
Inti kont li ghamilt ic-cirku
   tan-nar li jien dhalt fih 
   bla ma nista' qatt nerga' nohrog minnu 
   minghajr ma neqred lili nnifsi 
   ghax dak ic-cirku 
   m'hu xejn 
   hlief il-Jien.
Inti kont li biz-zifna tieghek
   qajjimt fija l-abissi tad-dlam 
   il-fjammi tan-nar, it-tbaqbiq tad-demm. 
Ghaliex jiena mdejjaq 
   meta qed nara d-dawl li 
   hawn tant min jixtieq jarah? 
Forsi ghammixxni, 
  forsi m'iniex qed nara sew...

F'idejk jien inpoggi ruhi.
Ic-cirku mitmum.


You were the one who in a circle of fire
created the world.
You were the one who with the eternal mudras
in your hands screamed the scream
of which our life is nothing
else but its echoing.
You, who in a circle of fire are going to destroy
that which you created
because without destruction there is no creation
that isn't degraded,
nor life that doesn't grow stale.
You were the one who made the circle
of fire into which I entered
without being able to go out of it
without destroying myself
because this circle
is nothing else
but the Self.

You were the one who with your dance
woke in me the abysses of darkness
the flames of fire, the bubbling of blood.
Why am I sad
when I see the light that
many want to see?
Maybe it stunned me,
maybe I'm not seeing clearly...

In your hands I put myself.
The circle is completed.

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Lil Malta

Kultant inkun nixtieq li
fic-cpar ta' stordament ifuh
ninkiser mic-cirku maghluq
u nitla' 'l fuq
lejn Franza
lejn il-Germaja, l-Olanda,
ma' nies bhali,
dawk li hlomt bihom
go cirku
ma' l-angli
w l-arkangli
ta' gismi
ta' ruhi
li ttir
li tikser
li ncaqlaq
go harsti
go qalbi
li ttanbar
li ddahhalni
fi trance
fir-riha helwa
ta' l-istordament
li ddur
ma' rasi

ma' qalbi
li ttanbar
trid tkisser
minn xulxin
tal- biza'
li holqot
li ghalqek
u ghallqek
ja Malta....

Imma fik
li tahraq
li jpetptu
taht il-harruba

hemm huma l-gheruq tieghi.

To Malta

Sometimes I wish that
in the mist of a sweet-smelling dizziness
I break out from the closed circle
and soar up
to France
to Germany, to Holland,
I join
people like me
those of which I dreamt
in a circle
of fires
with the angels
and the archangels
in the labyrinth
in the valley
of my body
of my soul
which soars
which breaks
the closed up
that I move
the empty
with my gaze
in my gaze
in my heart
which drums
which takes me
into a trance
in the sweet-smell
of dizziness
which goes round my head

and round my heart
which drums
wanting to break
the circle
of fear
from each other
of the others
of fear
from the Self
of fear
which created
the circle
which closed you
and choked you
O Malta....

But in you
in the valley
in the circular
in the night
in the moon
in the sun
which burns
in the yellow
in the chapel
in the fields
in the sea
in the temple
in the lights
that flicker
under the carob
of the Buddha;

there are my roots.

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Ritual - Sketches

Our laughter hides our tears.
Summer hides the Winter.
Our selves hide our Selves.
Our circle hides our fears.
The sky hides the universe.
Our eyes hide our sights.
Our life hides us.
Our peace hides a war.
Our clothes hide our nakedness.
The knife hides the blood.
The priest hides the God.
Our hunger hides our fullness.
The forest hides the road.
The symbol hides the meaning.
The painter hides his art.
The musician hides his sounds.
Innocence hides the greatest cruelty.
We hide the world.
Our words hide the Truth.

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Sketches for a song to Kurt Cobain

You left us...
after you screamed
your last song,
you left us.

But our scream
had been your scream
and your song
had been our song.
We'd been listening for too long
the mandalas in your songs,
not to miss u,
yes we miss u.

Our despair
our weirdness
our strange cravings
These you sang
and took upon yourself.

Till BAM
you fell under their weight
'cos you had a lot of problems too.

And in the last despair
you burnt away,
For ever gone - Taking the shortcut to Nirvana
And you left us.
Here. Alone.

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Pizza & Ganni - 2 hajki

Wicc gingri jidhak,
zaqq hoxna ddur 'il fuq -
X'naghmlu minghajrek?

Kocc grif fuq wiccek,
Dejjem tiggieled, niexef -
'ma xorta sabih

Pizza & Ganni - 2 haikus

A ginger face smiling,
a fat tummy turning upwards -
What can we do without you?

A lot of scratches on your face,
Always fighting, thin -
but beautiful just the same.

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Light drawn by darkness.
The mysteries of the shadows -
only those explain.

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Walking on the Waves

How I'd like to go for a walk
on the waves.
I've already done it,
but it's been so long
since I tried it.
Yeah, let's go and ride the waves once more.
Hapiness at Vrindabana.

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NOTES ABOUT THE POEMS - Ahna (We) - This is about innocence/ignorance. Giving without considering is often praised by religions, but how practical is it? How much can we trust people? How many people are ready to abuse innocence? Is there any difference between innocence and ignorance? These are explored in this four-liner. As usual there is no definite answer, but if I had one I would be lying, wouldn't I? Camelot - Camelot is another name I used for my "Arcadia". Arcadia is now lost, and royal Camelot will end up in dust. To the Walls - The Walls mentioned are the bastions built by the Knights of St. John in Malta, which are now in a very deep state of degradation .... you guessed it ... the Arcadia thing again. Atmanja - Derived from Sanskrit "atman" which means "Self", and corrupted by the very honourable me to mean "a land representing the Self". "Yeha Noha" is a track on the Sacred Spirit CD which is a Native American song. It means "Wishes of Prosperity and Hapiness". Sunett Sperimentali (Experimental Sonnet) - Pretty self explanatory title, ey? It is a sonnet and it was an experiment. Vicious Circle-Samsara-Waking up - Here I'm seeking a way to break the boredom, to break the routine, to break from the cycle of the Ouroboros (an alchemical symbol depicting a snake biting his tail). This break is very close to the Hindu/Buddhist Samsara, and very close to the everyday act of waking up. Thus the triple title. Nataraja - An aspect of the Hindu god Shiva as the Lord of Dance. Through his mystic dance he creates the world, and when the time has come he will destroy it. Thus Shiva Nataraja is paradox itself incarnated. lil Malta (to Malta) - A song of protest, joining images from the world of dreams and from the dream that is real life. I guess it loses much of the original rhythms when translated into English, or any other language for that matter. Ritual - Sketches- This is a disorganized list of short aphorisms speaking about how a thing is hiding something else - something like a Zen riddle, or Rene Magritte's philosophy of "the treachery of images". I called it ritual because I had in mind a lot of people gathered in a circle on a darkened stage in a theatre ... thus looking like a ritual. Sketches for a song to Kurt Cobain - Another nice self-explanatory title. Pizza and Ganni - Two haikus dedicated to my cats. =^..^= Check out their pages - Pizza's page, Ganni's page. haiku - If an artist were to express the idea of light, he can only define it by contrasting it with darkness; another Zen riddle maybe, but quite a reasonable one. Walking on the Waves - You guessed it again, the Arcadia stuff. Strange thing though, I was not fully conscious of my obsession with Arcadian imagery when I mentioned "hapiness at Vrindabana" in this poem.

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NOTE ABOUT THE PICS - These have been taken from Gustav Klimt's Beethoven frieze. The panels are respectively, Poetry, the Longing for Hapiness, and the Arts.

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